It seems that a new crop of Craigslist solicitors are chomping at the bit to get collectively torn a new one in our semi-regular, wholly-prestigious feature, The Firefall Pro, LLC International Illiteracy Awards and Steak Dinner Benefit Concert for a Free Internet®™©. Anyway, we at Firefall are just trying to do our part to boost these fine companies’ SEOs and get them those coveted page ranks that they so rightly deserve! (and totally not for being hacky, poorly designed, generally confusing trash cans of sites that should be bleached off the face of the web forever and ever, amen. [That would be totally dickish on our part, right guys?]). So, drumroll please maestro, without further ado, we present to you the the nominees for this week’s illiteracy awards; and remember ladies and gentlemen, when everyone nominated fails this hard, we all win!
1. Rae Parth/ Axis.com, Inc.
As I’m just posting these in order of how they came into my inbox I almost hate starting off with this guy because he’s got a kind of awesome, Game of Thrones type name, but public shaming is the only way these people will learn to respect the do not solicit flag. Here are a few choice nuggets from Mr. Parth’s initial correspondence,
Take a look at my portfolio you will see that I am more then able in this realm of online website creation. I just charge a lot less then others. Basically what that means is I always beat my competitions price.
A sincere and heartfelt thank you, Rae, for clarifying what you meant by charging a lot less than others. He so eloquently continues:
I have clients IN CT, NJ & PA so I am constantly traveling throughout the week. Meeting in person is never a problem and I insist on face to face meetings weekly.
Watch out! we got a real jet-setter over here! Also it’s always a good idea to insist things of people you’re trying to get to hire you.
Rae included this link, www.axis.com in his contact info so I’m going to assume this is whom he’s affiliated with. Click through to see a stock image of a creepy Mormon in what looks to be some kind of country club change-room!
Pro-tip Rae, send a maximum of 10 links that you’re really proud of instead of fucking 500 and for everyone’s future sanity, DON’T SPAM PEOPLE.
Edit: Apparently this is at least the second time we’ve been spammed by Axis so we surmise not only have they e-mailed every single web-development job, but also every casual encounter ad as well.
So we’ve got our standard sub-continental offenders here; some sweatshop development in Cochin, India which by my calculations is 20,000 metric fuck leagues from the New-York metropolitan commute-o-plex that we posted to on CL. so It’d be pretty hard for Santhosh Mathew to make it in for the odd client meeting. Also based on the Google Translated cover letter he was goodly enough to attach to his e-mail, it’d be like pulling elephant tusks communicating with these gentlemen. The Gems:
[W]e specializing in design, implementation and maintaining of web-based information systems, web-sites and…Kindly revert me back with an appropriate time to call you. I would also appreciate if you share your contact details so we can further go on with this discussion.
Like to hear from you.
I like to hear from you too, Mr. Mathew, your command of the English language makes me giggle.
3. Sprima Inc.
Feel free to ask me any questions that you may have. I would be be glad to answer any questions you have.
Just one: what in the sweet name of the virgin’s tear-ducts are you on about? I defy anyone to read more than a sentence of this without their eyes glazing over,
I am sending you some of the websites that I made in last few months. These web sites have different web features and they use different technologies based on client requirements. I work with my clients to understand the requirements and then build web-sites to our clients satisfaction. Here are some of the example websites. I build attractive, dynamic, informative and eye-catching websites to get more prospective clients to you.I can assure you that you will have the best experience to work with us in building your web-presence.
Let me know what you think about this project. I work closely with them to understand the requirements and produce quality product in most affordable cost in a timely manner. My customers are extremely happy working with me and my service. In the outset, I would like to assure you that you will have the best experience working with me to build your web-presence.
5. Terry Parrott/ Dolphin Micro Inc.
Terry Parrot…Dolphin Micro, I’m getting a heavy Jimmy Buffet vibe from these people — too bad their whole steeze is just as tepid and un-interisting as Margaritaville. See for yourself, www.dolphinmicro.com/home.
And then there’s Mr. Parrot’s stunted, shuffling cover-letter that leads me to believe Terry Parrot is nothing more than a robot powered by a barely functioning brain-in-a-jar, sorry I just watched Source Code last night. You be the Judge:
Thank you for the opportunity to reply to your post,
Your looking for a Web Developer/Designer? I can help! Web development/design is not new, but sometimes we forget just how powerful and versatility the tools to develop/design websites has become. It makes you wonder if developer/designers will every have any limits. This is why our team is made up of the strongest web development/design experts you can find. And I do not use the word experts lightly! Our developers our continually expanding their knowledge and skills in all areas of Web Development/Design. It is true we work as a team, but you would be assigned one developer to head your project, probably Peregrin or Pablo, two of our best. Check out the examples of work we have done and see if you think we might be a good fit.
So, by all means, if you’re interested in hiring AIs on the verge of becoming self-aware, but with no danger of ever becoming competent have a blast with the “people” over at Dolphin Micro Inc.
Interested in the services that Jared Scott Findel, CEO/CIO of Jaredsdirect.com offers? Well I wasn’t once I saw that it was listed in COMIC FUCKING SANS; the list might as well have been genocide, animal cruelty, child abductions, vivisections and infomercials (they actually do offer infomercial services, so next time you’re up at 4AM and you hear the Education Connection™ song curse the name Jared Scott Findel).
Anyway, there’s nothing else especially awful about Jaredsdirect.com, that being said there’s nothing particularly good about it either. This company is just a factory for more bland, meh internet pollution of which there is already so much. Won’t you please think of the children and boycott these horrible cyber-environmental terrorists.
That concludes our round-up of this week’s edition of the Illiteracy awards. We’re accepting votes by text and all of our judges are easily bribed so pick your favorite candidate and happy balloting!
This is Jake Cohen, saying good night and good luck America.