Archive for the ‘WTF’ Category

More Nominees for the Illiteracy Awards

Friday, May 11th, 2012

Howdy Firefans,

It seems that a new crop of Craigslist solicitors are chomping at the bit to get collectively torn a new one in our semi-regular, wholly-prestigious feature, The Firefall Pro, LLC International Illiteracy Awards and Steak Dinner Benefit Concert for a Free Internet®™©. Anyway, we at Firefall are just trying to do our part to boost these fine companies’ SEOs and get them those coveted page ranks that they so rightly deserve! (and totally not for being hacky, poorly designed, generally confusing trash cans of sites that should be bleached off the face of the web forever and ever, amen. [That would be totally dickish on our part, right guys?]). So, drumroll please maestro, without further ado, we present to you the the nominees for this week’s illiteracy awards; and remember ladies and gentlemen, when everyone nominated fails this hard, we all win!

1. Rae Parth/ Axis.com, Inc.

As I’m just posting these in order of how they came into my inbox I almost hate starting off with this guy because he’s got a kind of awesome, Game of Thrones type name, but public shaming is the only way these people will learn to respect the do not solicit flag. Here are a few choice nuggets from Mr. Parth’s initial correspondence,

Take a look at my portfolio you will see that I am more then able in this realm of online website creation. I just charge a lot less then others. Basically what that means is I always beat my competitions price.

A sincere and heartfelt thank you, Rae, for clarifying what you meant by charging a lot less than others. He so eloquently continues:

I have clients IN CT, NJ & PA so I am constantly traveling throughout the week. Meeting in person is never a problem and I insist on face to face meetings weekly.

Watch out! we got a real jet-setter over here! Also it’s always a good idea to insist things of people you’re trying to get to hire you.

Rae included this link, www.axis.com in his contact info so I’m going to assume this is whom he’s affiliated with. Click through to see a stock image of a creepy Mormon in what looks to be some kind of country club change-room!

Pro-tip Rae, send a maximum of 10 links that you’re really proud of instead of fucking 500 and for everyone’s future sanity, DON’T SPAM PEOPLE.

Edit: Apparently this is at least the second time we’ve been spammed by Axis so we surmise not only have they e-mailed every single web-development job, but also every casual encounter ad as well.

2. Portrave.com

So we’ve got our standard sub-continental offenders here; some sweatshop development in Cochin, India which by my calculations is 20,000 metric fuck leagues from the New-York metropolitan commute-o-plex that we posted to on CL. so It’d be pretty hard for Santhosh Mathew to make it in for the odd client meeting. Also based on the Google Translated cover letter he was goodly enough to attach to his e-mail, it’d be like pulling elephant tusks communicating with these gentlemen. The Gems:

[W]e specializing in design, implementation and maintaining of web-based information systems, web-sites and…

Kindly revert me back with an appropriate time to call you. I would also appreciate if you share your contact details so we can further go on with this discussion.

Like to hear from you.

I like to hear from you too, Mr. Mathew, your command of the English language makes me giggle.

3. Sprima Inc.

Feel free to ask me any questions that you may have. I would be be glad to answer any questions you have.

Just one: what in the sweet name of the virgin’s tear-ducts are you on about? I defy anyone to read more than a sentence of this without their eyes glazing over,

I am sending you some of the websites that I made in last few months.  These web sites have different web features and they use different technologies based on client requirements. I work with my clients to understand the requirements and then build web-sites to our clients satisfaction. Here are some of the example websites. I build attractive, dynamic, informative and eye-catching websites to get more prospective clients to you.I can assure you that you will have the best experience to work with us in building your web-presence.

Let me know what you think about this project. I work closely with them to understand the requirements and produce quality product in most affordable cost in a timely manner. My customers are extremely happy working with me and my service. In the outset, I would like to assure you that you will have the best experience working with me to build your web-presence.

 BLUGHHHHHHHHHHHHH! This quote from Billy Madison is really apt, “…We are all dumber for having listened to that, I award you no points and may God have mercy on your soul.”

4. [removed]

5. Terry Parrott/ Dolphin Micro Inc.

Terry Parrot…Dolphin Micro, I’m getting a heavy Jimmy Buffet vibe from these people — too bad their whole steeze is just as tepid and un-interisting as Margaritaville. See for yourself, www.dolphinmicro.com/home.

And then there’s Mr. Parrot’s stunted, shuffling cover-letter that leads me to believe Terry Parrot is nothing more than a robot powered by a barely functioning brain-in-a-jar, sorry I just watched Source Code last night. You be the Judge:

Thank you for the opportunity to reply to your post,

Your looking for a Web Developer/Designer?  I can help!    Web development/design is not new, but sometimes we forget just how powerful and versatility the tools to develop/design websites has become. It makes you wonder if developer/designers will every have any limits. This is why our team is made up of the strongest web development/design experts you can find. And I do not use the word experts lightly!   Our developers our continually expanding their knowledge and skills in all areas of Web Development/Design.   It is true we work as a team, but you would be assigned one developer to head your project, probably Peregrin or Pablo, two of our best.   Check out the examples of work we have done and see if you think we might be a good fit.

So, by all means, if you’re interested in hiring AIs on the verge of becoming self-aware, but with no danger of ever becoming competent have a blast with the “people” over at Dolphin Micro Inc.

5. Jaredsdirect.com

Interested in the services that Jared Scott Findel, CEO/CIO of Jaredsdirect.com offers? Well I wasn’t once I saw that it was listed in COMIC FUCKING SANS; the list might as well have been genocide, animal cruelty, child abductions, vivisections and infomercials (they actually do offer infomercial services, so next time you’re up at 4AM and you hear the Education Connection™ song curse the name Jared Scott Findel).

Anyway, there’s nothing else especially awful about Jaredsdirect.com, that being said there’s nothing particularly good about it either. This company is  just a factory for more bland, meh internet pollution of which there is already so much. Won’t you please think of the children and boycott these horrible cyber-environmental terrorists.

That concludes our round-up of this week’s edition of the Illiteracy awards. We’re accepting votes by text and all of our judges are easily bribed so pick your favorite candidate and happy balloting!

This is Jake Cohen, saying good night and good luck America.

 

 

Take that down and I will be done with craigslist.

Friday, May 16th, 2008

Oh the audacity… A response from Mr. Shawn G Hill of Superior Design Enterprises!


From: shawn@sdeonline.us
Subject: Blog Comments
Date: May 9, 2008 10:08:17 PM EDT
To: info@firefallpro.com

Hello,

I noticed today that you have posted an extremely unnecessary and insulting comment about my company.

I do not have the time to read every ad in the WEB DESIGN category so I have a bot scan that category looking for new postings.

That blog post could hurt my small company. I wasn’t trying to piss you off. I was just trying to get to clients looking for web design help.

I will make a deal with you. Take that down and I will be done with craigslist.

Be Good,
Shawn G Hill

http://www.sdeonline.us

Recent Illiteracy Winner: Superior Design Enterprises

Wednesday, April 16th, 2008

Many thanks to Shawn Hill at Superior Design Enterprises (www.sdeonline.us) for participating in our illiteracy contest. They glossed over our threat to any service providers that contacted us in reference to our recent job posting. They also ignored the corresponding Craig’s List flag.

So thanks for playing. I hope some of your potential clients get to read this, and you seek an education.

Another Winner

Wednesday, April 2nd, 2008

Yes folks, we have another winner in the “I can’t read challenge.” As I mentioned in the previous post, our recent job description posted here and on Craig’s List has a brief disclaimer:

I will personally gut whoever contacts us with staffing or outsourcing solutions.

I’d like to personally congratulate Cosmos Creative Services found at www.cosmoscreatives.com. So naturally the person or bot ignored my warning and decided, “hey I’ll e-mail them anyway.” The message even starts out with this audacious opener:

After browsing through you craigslist ad, I believe our services match the criteria of your requirement. Please give us 2 minutes to brief you a little about us…

If you’d like to send them your thoughts please e-mail salescosmos@cosmoslearnings.com or call 828-338-2122. I’m sure they’d be happy to hear from you, just like I was happy to hear about them and their amazing services. If you do happen to speak to someone over there please be sure to let them know how you found out about them and their laser like precision.

If you would like to know more about Cosmos Creative Services please address your concerns to:


Gaurav Aidasani
60 Mass Ave
Boston, MA 02115
gauravdo@yahoo.co.in
857-919-6900

- Source: Whois

Thank you again Cosmos Creative Services, without people like you we wouldn’t have awards like this and bans on lead paint.

Our First Winner

Wednesday, April 2nd, 2008

We have our first winner:

http:// lmdesigning.com” (redirects from: www.CheapDesignsOnLine.com)

They decided to gloss over the part of the job posting that says, “I will personally gut whoever contacts us with staffing or outsourcing solutions.

While I don’t think I should reply to aman26@lmdesigning.com I encourage anyone else with the time and motivation to drop them a message, or perhaps call them at 310-312-9597.

They wrote:

I wanted to introduce our services to you, perhaps you may find us
financially relieving.
We are running a website, printing production and graphic design
company with very little overhead so our prices are very competitive.
Our designs are fantastic so I invite you to take a look at our
portfolio by clicking the link provided.
Any questions you have please email or call anytime.

One of the real gems of the message was this attached picture:

With that fantastic quality, how could anyone go wrong. I almost regret forbidding commercial interests from contacting me.

If you’d like to know more about LM Design, and how they can ignore basic fundamentals and use shady marketing methods please address your concerns to:


LM Designing
lisa@lmdesigning.com
1410 barrington #3
los angeles, CA 90025
US
Phone: 310.444.9509

- Source whois

Thanks LM Designing for making my hopes and dreams come true. This was the perfect way to start my morning.

Finally

Monday, February 18th, 2008

Finally got a truly memorable password. I love random word generators.

Yes.

Thursday, January 17th, 2008

There is nothing worse when this nonsense crosses over into our primary area of competency…

On Jan 16, 2008, at 10:36 AM, [redacted] wrote:

Scott,

As I know you use PHP4. And by default memory_limit=8M.
But it's not enough because for correct work [redacted] it's necessary
more.
And I propose increase memory_limit to 16M.

Best Regards,
[redacted]

On Jan 16 2008, at 10:59 AM, Scott wrote:

What could possibly consume 8 MB of execution memory?

On Jan 16, 2008, at 10:59 AM, [redacted] wrote:

Yes.
Because on different pages such as users/pages amount of data which we
get from database is much more than 8M.

Best Regards,
[redacted]

On Jan 16, 2008 at 11:27 AM, Scott wrote:

Those calculations are supposed to be done in mySQL, not in PHP. Dragging large data sets out of mySQL and into PHP drastically slows execution time. The default 8MB limit PHP imposes is specifically so people don't try to this: "This helps prevent poorly written scripts for eating up all available memory on a server." - http://us3.php.net/manual/en/ini.core.php

Every single Apache daemon (1 per user) would go and consume >8MB.

The same group of people also wanted us to ask an end user what a control character looked like. (sighs) Oh, it’s a system bell!

This Pains Me

Tuesday, December 11th, 2007


From: [redacted]
Subject: RE: lime Rebuild and FTP services
Date: December 11, 2007 6:05:33 AM EST
To: scott[redacted]
Cc: [redacted]

Hi Scott, Julius.

A the any changes in VPN settings?
Pls let us know about it.

[signature redacted]

-----Original Message-----
From: Scott [redacted]
Sent: Saturday, December 01, 2007 12:24 AM
To: [redacted]
Cc: [redacted]
Subject: Re: lime Rebuild and FTP services

I've made some changes to the VPN settings that might improve the
performance you were experiencing.[truncated]

(more info)

An Explanation Through Grey’s Law

Tuesday, December 11th, 2007

After seeing the application of Grey’s Law on Daring Fireball I felt it perfectly describes the essence of the posts that have been tagged with wtf. The law states:

“Any sufficiently advanced incompetence is indistinguishable from malice.”

Expendable Storage

Friday, August 3rd, 2007


From: [deleted]
Subject: another hard drive to [deleted]server
Date: July 25, 2007 3:52:01 PM EDT
To: scott[deleted]

Hi Scott,
We need to expend the available space of [deleted] server.

Can you purchase an additional drive and install it?

(more info)