It seems that a new crop of Craigslist solicitors are chomping at the bit to get collectively torn a new one in our semi-regular, wholly-prestigious feature, The Firefall Pro, LLC International Illiteracy Awards and Steak Dinner Benefit Concert for a Free Internet®™©. Anyway, we at Firefall are just trying to do our part to boost these fine companies’ SEOs and get them those coveted page ranks that they so rightly deserve! (and totally not for being hacky, poorly designed, generally confusing trash cans of sites that should be bleached off the face of the web forever and ever, amen. [That would be totally dickish on our part, right guys?]). So, drumroll please maestro, without further ado, we present to you the the nominees for this week’s illiteracy awards; and remember ladies and gentlemen, when everyone nominated fails this hard, we all win!
1. Rae Parth/ Axis.com, Inc.
As I’m just posting these in order of how they came into my inbox I almost hate starting off with this guy because he’s got a kind of awesome, Game of Thrones type name, but public shaming is the only way these people will learn to respect the do not solicit flag. Here are a few choice nuggets from Mr. Parth’s initial correspondence,
Take a look at my portfolio you will see that I am more then able in this realm of online website creation. I just charge a lot less then others. Basically what that means is I always beat my competitions price.
A sincere and heartfelt thank you, Rae, for clarifying what you meant by charging a lot less than others. He so eloquently continues:
I have clients IN CT, NJ & PA so I am constantly traveling throughout the week. Meeting in person is never a problem and I insist on face to face meetings weekly.
Watch out! we got a real jet-setter over here! Also it’s always a good idea to insist things of people you’re trying to get to hire you.
Rae included this link, www.axis.com in his contact info so I’m going to assume this is whom he’s affiliated with. Click through to see a stock image of a creepy Mormon in what looks to be some kind of country club change-room!
Pro-tip Rae, send a maximum of 10 links that you’re really proud of instead of fucking 500 and for everyone’s future sanity, DON’T SPAM PEOPLE.
Edit: Apparently this is at least the second time we’ve been spammed by Axis so we surmise not only have they e-mailed every single web-development job, but also every casual encounter ad as well.
So we’ve got our standard sub-continental offenders here; some sweatshop development in Cochin, India which by my calculations is 20,000 metric fuck leagues from the New-York metropolitan commute-o-plex that we posted to on CL. so It’d be pretty hard for Santhosh Mathew to make it in for the odd client meeting. Also based on the Google Translated cover letter he was goodly enough to attach to his e-mail, it’d be like pulling elephant tusks communicating with these gentlemen. The Gems:
[W]e specializing in design, implementation and maintaining of web-based information systems, web-sites and…
Kindly revert me back with an appropriate time to call you. I would also appreciate if you share your contact details so we can further go on with this discussion.
Like to hear from you.
I like to hear from you too, Mr. Mathew, your command of the English language makes me giggle.
3. Sprima Inc.
Feel free to ask me any questions that you may have. I would be be glad to answer any questions you have.
Just one: what in the sweet name of the virgin’s tear-ducts are you on about? I defy anyone to read more than a sentence of this without their eyes glazing over,
I am sending you some of the websites that I made in last few months. These web sites have different web features and they use different technologies based on client requirements. I work with my clients to understand the requirements and then build web-sites to our clients satisfaction. Here are some of the example websites. I build attractive, dynamic, informative and eye-catching websites to get more prospective clients to you.I can assure you that you will have the best experience to work with us in building your web-presence.
Let me know what you think about this project. I work closely with them to understand the requirements and produce quality product in most affordable cost in a timely manner. My customers are extremely happy working with me and my service. In the outset, I would like to assure you that you will have the best experience working with me to build your web-presence.
BLUGHHHHHHHHHHHHH! This quote from Billy Madison is really apt, “…We are all dumber for having listened to that, I award you no points and may God have mercy on your soul.”
5. Terry Parrott/ Dolphin Micro Inc.
Terry Parrot…Dolphin Micro, I’m getting a heavy Jimmy Buffet vibe from these people — too bad their whole steeze is just as tepid and un-interisting as Margaritaville. See for yourself, www.dolphinmicro.com/home.
And then there’s Mr. Parrot’s stunted, shuffling cover-letter that leads me to believe Terry Parrot is nothing more than a robot powered by a barely functioning brain-in-a-jar, sorry I just watched Source Code last night. You be the Judge:
Thank you for the opportunity to reply to your post,
Your looking for a Web Developer/Designer? I can help! Web development/design is not new, but sometimes we forget just how powerful and versatility the tools to develop/design websites has become. It makes you wonder if developer/designers will every have any limits. This is why our team is made up of the strongest web development/design experts you can find. And I do not use the word experts lightly! Our developers our continually expanding their knowledge and skills in all areas of Web Development/Design. It is true we work as a team, but you would be assigned one developer to head your project, probably Peregrin or Pablo, two of our best. Check out the examples of work we have done and see if you think we might be a good fit.
So, by all means, if you’re interested in hiring AIs on the verge of becoming self-aware, but with no danger of ever becoming competent have a blast with the “people” over at Dolphin Micro Inc.
That concludes our round-up of this week’s edition of the Illiteracy awards. We’re accepting votes by text and all of our judges are easily bribed so pick your favorite candidate and happy balloting!
This is Jake Cohen, saying good night and good luck America.
Thursday, October 23rd, 2008
… the LiveCD is on a DVD, the DVD drive won’t show, burn to CD-R twice (the first blank fails), boot from CD, USB devices don’t show, reboot, add PS2 devices, only the PS2 keyboard and USB mouse want work, SATA drives don’t show, in some universe the RAID controller lets you clone a drive (not this one, or if it does it doesn’t want you to know), subsequently determine source drive has little point to exist and really doesn’t need to be copied, leave client hours later, greeted by crowd of people in lobby all wondering what its like to have dependable elevators, take 12 flights of stairs, return to no internet and a board intern, send intern home, call Verizon, determine internal router decided to forget how it was configured, re-educate router, Vonage adapter decides it too should stop normal functions, statically assign adapter so the phones work.
Net Gain from 3 PM to 11:30 PM: Zero.
Tuesday, June 3rd, 2008
This is just a quick message to let everyone know that we are now providing select web hosting. We have a virtual private server with cPanel, powered by Network Redux. We plan to migrate existing clients over to our environment as well as offer hosting to new clients and our friends.
By running our own service we should be able to offer an uncommon level of support and circumvent the pitfalls of unpredictable shared hosting. Please contact us at [email protected] with any questions. We look forward to raising the bar in a new field.
Friday, August 17th, 2007
Working with our friends at Mogollon we just wrapped up Hadar Metal Design. Mogollon provided the clean industrial design and we did the rest in [valid] HTML 4.01 Strict and CSS.
Thursday, July 5th, 2007
Another site that we just finished up and that launched (unofficially) today was TheoryEvents.com for our friends at TheoryNYC. They needed a very simple site that would let them make frequent announcements, and they needed it fast.
Armed with a few photos and a conceptual outline we threw a site together in short order. We chose Blogger to power the main page because it gave them a simple way to post upcoming events, automatic archiving and RSS feeds. We could have gone the Moveable Type or WordPress route, but who wants to manage all that if you don’t have to.
Thursday, July 5th, 2007
One of the sites that we finished up recently was Martini Park (no relation). Before you start gushing over its smooth look, I have to mention that CoolBirth was responsible for the graphics, base HTML, and CSS. Our business was to hook them up with a very custom CMS.
The CMS provides them with the ability to spawn sub-sites based on a master template. This lets them create new sites at will, all managed within the CMS, yet still be able make each individual site unique. They can create location specific galleries and events as well as items that appear across all sites. All this through one simple unified interface, not your typical Swiss Army Knife that can do everything but nothing really well. Have you ever tried to cut with one of those?
Wednesday, July 5th, 2006
Big News! Firefallpro has another major project under it’s belt. A large portion of the work we do is maintenance work for existing sites, or general development work. However, we have a steady diet of new websites as well, and one of them was finished last week.
LocationsMagazine.com is the online counterpart of Locations Magazine, which is a yearly magazine featuring write ups and feature listings on hundreds of locations, caterers and other services. It has been published since 1993, and focuses almost exclusively on weddings and other high end events taking place in the New York and New Jersey area.
Our work for the site involved redesigning it completely from the ground up. We took the old messy ASP code and threw it away, and developed clean, standards compliant PHP code. We use CSS heavily in our new layout, and as a result several key features have been met:
* Better search engine indexing
The site has been indexed many times more frequently compared to the old site. In addition, the page rank for certain keywords has been increasing as google re-calculates.
* Increased Performance
year over year, for the month of june we saw an 80% increase in page views, 50% increase in visits, 10% increase in hits, and 35% decrease in bandwidth. This means more new people are coming, they’re staying longer, and the server is working far far more efficiently.
* Increased traffic rank
according to alexa (I know, I know, it’s a bad indicator, but it’s still an indicator) the traffic rank for the site has gone up 10%.
And that’s just the front end! We had some severe limitations on what we could do with the front end, as they wanted the look and feel to be the same as before. This meant that about the biggest change we were allowed to make was to turn the poetry section into DHTML from flash.
BUT, on the backend, we worked wonders (alliteration, go me!) The old site was slow moving, and bogged down with enormous forms containing every detail for each account. The new backend is fast, sleek, and totally AJAX, baby. This was the first project we’ve done in AJAX, and I must say I’m proud of it. Menus are responsive, reports come in faster, it’s entirely cross-browser compatible, and everything is edit in place. I look forward to more projects that let us flex our muscles like this did.
In closing, go check out the site, link to it, and tell your friends. If I get approval, I’ll go ahead and post some pics and things we learned in building the backend.
Total stats: 15,000 lines of original code, 15,000 lines of OSS code, and 0 errors or warnings.
EDIT: fixed the link. I’m retarded.