Archive for the ‘People’ Category

More Nominees for the Illiteracy Awards

Friday, May 11th, 2012

Howdy Firefans,

It seems that a new crop of Craigslist solicitors are chomping at the bit to get collectively torn a new one in our semi-regular, wholly-prestigious feature, The Firefall Pro, LLC International Illiteracy Awards and Steak Dinner Benefit Concert for a Free Internet®™©. Anyway, we at Firefall are just trying to do our part to boost these fine companies’ SEOs and get them those coveted page ranks that they so rightly deserve! (and totally not for being hacky, poorly designed, generally confusing trash cans of sites that should be bleached off the face of the web forever and ever, amen. [That would be totally dickish on our part, right guys?]). So, drumroll please maestro, without further ado, we present to you the the nominees for this week’s illiteracy awards; and remember ladies and gentlemen, when everyone nominated fails this hard, we all win!

1. Rae Parth/ Axis.com, Inc.

As I’m just posting these in order of how they came into my inbox I almost hate starting off with this guy because he’s got a kind of awesome, Game of Thrones type name, but public shaming is the only way these people will learn to respect the do not solicit flag. Here are a few choice nuggets from Mr. Parth’s initial correspondence,

Take a look at my portfolio you will see that I am more then able in this realm of online website creation. I just charge a lot less then others. Basically what that means is I always beat my competitions price.

A sincere and heartfelt thank you, Rae, for clarifying what you meant by charging a lot less than others. He so eloquently continues:

I have clients IN CT, NJ & PA so I am constantly traveling throughout the week. Meeting in person is never a problem and I insist on face to face meetings weekly.

Watch out! we got a real jet-setter over here! Also it’s always a good idea to insist things of people you’re trying to get to hire you.

Rae included this link, www.axis.com in his contact info so I’m going to assume this is whom he’s affiliated with. Click through to see a stock image of a creepy Mormon in what looks to be some kind of country club change-room!

Pro-tip Rae, send a maximum of 10 links that you’re really proud of instead of fucking 500 and for everyone’s future sanity, DON’T SPAM PEOPLE.

Edit: Apparently this is at least the second time we’ve been spammed by Axis so we surmise not only have they e-mailed every single web-development job, but also every casual encounter ad as well.

2. Portrave.com

So we’ve got our standard sub-continental offenders here; some sweatshop development in Cochin, India which by my calculations is 20,000 metric fuck leagues from the New-York metropolitan commute-o-plex that we posted to on CL. so It’d be pretty hard for Santhosh Mathew to make it in for the odd client meeting. Also based on the Google Translated cover letter he was goodly enough to attach to his e-mail, it’d be like pulling elephant tusks communicating with these gentlemen. The Gems:

[W]e specializing in design, implementation and maintaining of web-based information systems, web-sites and…

Kindly revert me back with an appropriate time to call you. I would also appreciate if you share your contact details so we can further go on with this discussion.

Like to hear from you.

I like to hear from you too, Mr. Mathew, your command of the English language makes me giggle.

3. Sprima Inc.

Feel free to ask me any questions that you may have. I would be be glad to answer any questions you have.

Just one: what in the sweet name of the virgin’s tear-ducts are you on about? I defy anyone to read more than a sentence of this without their eyes glazing over,

I am sending you some of the websites that I made in last few months.  These web sites have different web features and they use different technologies based on client requirements. I work with my clients to understand the requirements and then build web-sites to our clients satisfaction. Here are some of the example websites. I build attractive, dynamic, informative and eye-catching websites to get more prospective clients to you.I can assure you that you will have the best experience to work with us in building your web-presence.

Let me know what you think about this project. I work closely with them to understand the requirements and produce quality product in most affordable cost in a timely manner. My customers are extremely happy working with me and my service. In the outset, I would like to assure you that you will have the best experience working with me to build your web-presence.

 BLUGHHHHHHHHHHHHH! This quote from Billy Madison is really apt, “…We are all dumber for having listened to that, I award you no points and may God have mercy on your soul.”

4. [removed]

5. Terry Parrott/ Dolphin Micro Inc.

Terry Parrot…Dolphin Micro, I’m getting a heavy Jimmy Buffet vibe from these people — too bad their whole steeze is just as tepid and un-interisting as Margaritaville. See for yourself, www.dolphinmicro.com/home.

And then there’s Mr. Parrot’s stunted, shuffling cover-letter that leads me to believe Terry Parrot is nothing more than a robot powered by a barely functioning brain-in-a-jar, sorry I just watched Source Code last night. You be the Judge:

Thank you for the opportunity to reply to your post,

Your looking for a Web Developer/Designer?  I can help!    Web development/design is not new, but sometimes we forget just how powerful and versatility the tools to develop/design websites has become. It makes you wonder if developer/designers will every have any limits. This is why our team is made up of the strongest web development/design experts you can find. And I do not use the word experts lightly!   Our developers our continually expanding their knowledge and skills in all areas of Web Development/Design.   It is true we work as a team, but you would be assigned one developer to head your project, probably Peregrin or Pablo, two of our best.   Check out the examples of work we have done and see if you think we might be a good fit.

So, by all means, if you’re interested in hiring AIs on the verge of becoming self-aware, but with no danger of ever becoming competent have a blast with the “people” over at Dolphin Micro Inc.

That concludes our round-up of this week’s edition of the Illiteracy awards. We’re accepting votes by text and all of our judges are easily bribed so pick your favorite candidate and happy balloting!

This is Jake Cohen, saying good night and good luck America.

 

 

Don’t Ever Say:

Friday, March 21st, 2008
  • “That should be a quick change, right?”
  • “How can I always be the first result on Google?”
  • “It should be easy to…”
  • “All you have to do is…”

The One Hand Bandit

Friday, November 16th, 2007

Our good friend Ryan O’Neil needed a site that allowed him to easily connect with his fans. A blog alone would’ve done the trick. However, a standalone blog based on pre-built templates just doesn’t offer a level of personalization and uniqueness that an artist deserves.

The solutions to these problems are not difficult or complex. The solution is to blend together the ease of use of a blogging platform with the extensibility of Strict HTML and CSS.

As is the case in most of our projects, the objectives are clear: cleanliness in design, simplicity in maintenance, value through simplicity, a stable foundation, and an adherence to standards through semantic markup.

All Ryan has to do is focus on the message. We take care of the rest.

Oh Wow

Wednesday, July 25th, 2007

Dan, has an alter ego, 100dbs, which is not news to us, but this video from one of his fans is. Dan said he doesn’t know this person at all.

My fear of web-cams is at an all time high.

Dan 2

Saturday, November 11th, 2006

Against our best judgement we hired Dan for the open developer position. Not to be confused with Dan C., who was doing QA with us. I guess that makes him Dan 2, but that doesn’t make him any less special.

Dan started on October 23rd, 2006, after a week long bender, I mean break, from his last job. Since then he’s been getting up to speed on PHP, and getting to know the code that’s laying around the office. In just 3 short weeks he’s already off-ed 1 Mac Mini, and aspires to take out any other hardware that gets in his way. Aside from passive destruction he’s learned a bunch of stuff in a rather short period of time.

So take a moment to welcome him when you get a chance.

Athena Anderson

Wednesday, September 13th, 2006

Please extend a warm welcome to our newest Firefaller, Athena Anderson.

Athena comes to use from San Diego, CA where she finally decided to make the trek east to New York City.

Name any MMORPG that’s out there and Athena’s played it! In fact, while at Sony Online Entertainment (SOE), Athena was part of the team that provided the QA and beta testing services for Everquest. Having worked in the online entertainment, biometric security, and e-commerce spaces, her insight and experience in QA will prove to be an invaluable asset to the organization.

Welcome Athena!

Mr. O

Sunday, August 13th, 2006

This entry is a little over due, but I’d like to let everyone know that Julius O has returned to Firefall Pro. He was with us a little over a year ago when we were mostly in Philadelphia and we’re glad to have him back. He is currently working with Dan to provide us with top-notch quality assurance. Though his broad set of skills will undoubtedly lead to him doing a variety of other things, as it has in the past. His entrance brings us up to 5 full time employees.

And thanks to viewers like you for helping us grow.

My name is Jon… Part Deux

Monday, October 31st, 2005



All I have to say… or not say…

New Hire

Monday, October 31st, 2005

There’s a new kid in town. Dan has come on board to help us out with beta testing, and will hopefully move to development within a month.

Firefall has been expanding at an extremely rapid pace. When we started up, I had hoped to have a new employee – bringing the total to 4, by new years. At this rate, we will definitely outstrip that goal, most likely hitting 5 by early december.

The reason the expansion is important has to do with the industry we are in. Being primarily a services based company, our income is directly related to the number of manhours we can produce each week. If each employee is paid at a rate of, say, $30/Hr, but is billable at a rate of $60/Hr, that means that after overhead we can expect a profit spillover of around $20-25/Hr. This goes directly into the rainy day fund and to help cover debts.

Mathematically, all this is blatantly obvious. Psychologically, this becomes a fairly big deal. The fact of the matter is that as long as we can bring enough work in, there is direct weekly profit from every persson on board. Recently I’ve been envisioning the company as an engine. The more people we have working at a reasonable rate, the bigger the engine is. And clearly, there is no replacement for displacement.

In any case, welcome, Dan. and remember, resumes are always welcome at [email protected]

My name is Jon….

Thursday, October 27th, 2005


My name is Jon. I work for Firefall Pro and nobody loves me.

I know that no one here loves me for two reasons. First, whenever it is time for lunch everyone goes out without me. Usually to McDonalds, but recently they have discovered a BBQ resteraunt serving dilectable meats smothered in spicy sauces. I have not been invited. I am the only African American male in this office and I am being denied pork and beef. Nobody loves me.

Second, this past weekend my moral standards were wickedly corrupted as I succumbed to the dancing Mohito. First there was a glass. One which I finished and swore to be my last drink of the evening. Then there was another dancing Mohito. When they dance you have to drink them…it would be rude to do otherwise. Then there was a dancing pitcher. Then there was a dancing resteraunt. Nobody loves me.