It seems that a new crop of Craigslist solicitors are chomping at the bit to get collectively torn a new one in our semi-regular, wholly-prestigious feature, The Firefall Pro, LLC International Illiteracy Awards and Steak Dinner Benefit Concert for a Free Internet®™©. Anyway, we at Firefall are just trying to do our part to boost these fine companies’ SEOs and get them those coveted page ranks that they so rightly deserve! (and totally not for being hacky, poorly designed, generally confusing trash cans of sites that should be bleached off the face of the web forever and ever, amen. [That would be totally dickish on our part, right guys?]). So, drumroll please maestro, without further ado, we present to you the the nominees for this week’s illiteracy awards; and remember ladies and gentlemen, when everyone nominated fails this hard, we all win!
1. Rae Parth/ Axis.com, Inc.
As I’m just posting these in order of how they came into my inbox I almost hate starting off with this guy because he’s got a kind of awesome, Game of Thrones type name, but public shaming is the only way these people will learn to respect the do not solicit flag. Here are a few choice nuggets from Mr. Parth’s initial correspondence,
Take a look at my portfolio you will see that I am more then able in this realm of online website creation. I just charge a lot less then others. Basically what that means is I always beat my competitions price.
A sincere and heartfelt thank you, Rae, for clarifying what you meant by charging a lot less than others. He so eloquently continues:
I have clients IN CT, NJ & PA so I am constantly traveling throughout the week. Meeting in person is never a problem and I insist on face to face meetings weekly.
Watch out! we got a real jet-setter over here! Also it’s always a good idea to insist things of people you’re trying to get to hire you.
Rae included this link, www.axis.com in his contact info so I’m going to assume this is whom he’s affiliated with. Click through to see a stock image of a creepy Mormon in what looks to be some kind of country club change-room!
Pro-tip Rae, send a maximum of 10 links that you’re really proud of instead of fucking 500 and for everyone’s future sanity, DON’T SPAM PEOPLE.
Edit: Apparently this is at least the second time we’ve been spammed by Axis so we surmise not only have they e-mailed every single web-development job, but also every casual encounter ad as well.
So we’ve got our standard sub-continental offenders here; some sweatshop development in Cochin, India which by my calculations is 20,000 metric fuck leagues from the New-York metropolitan commute-o-plex that we posted to on CL. so It’d be pretty hard for Santhosh Mathew to make it in for the odd client meeting. Also based on the Google Translated cover letter he was goodly enough to attach to his e-mail, it’d be like pulling elephant tusks communicating with these gentlemen. The Gems:
[W]e specializing in design, implementation and maintaining of web-based information systems, web-sites and…
Kindly revert me back with an appropriate time to call you. I would also appreciate if you share your contact details so we can further go on with this discussion.
Like to hear from you.
I like to hear from you too, Mr. Mathew, your command of the English language makes me giggle.
3. Sprima Inc.
Feel free to ask me any questions that you may have. I would be be glad to answer any questions you have.
Just one: what in the sweet name of the virgin’s tear-ducts are you on about? I defy anyone to read more than a sentence of this without their eyes glazing over,
I am sending you some of the websites that I made in last few months. These web sites have different web features and they use different technologies based on client requirements. I work with my clients to understand the requirements and then build web-sites to our clients satisfaction. Here are some of the example websites. I build attractive, dynamic, informative and eye-catching websites to get more prospective clients to you.I can assure you that you will have the best experience to work with us in building your web-presence.
Let me know what you think about this project. I work closely with them to understand the requirements and produce quality product in most affordable cost in a timely manner. My customers are extremely happy working with me and my service. In the outset, I would like to assure you that you will have the best experience working with me to build your web-presence.
BLUGHHHHHHHHHHHHH! This quote from Billy Madison is really apt, “…We are all dumber for having listened to that, I award you no points and may God have mercy on your soul.”
5. Terry Parrott/ Dolphin Micro Inc.
Terry Parrot…Dolphin Micro, I’m getting a heavy Jimmy Buffet vibe from these people — too bad their whole steeze is just as tepid and un-interisting as Margaritaville. See for yourself, www.dolphinmicro.com/home.
And then there’s Mr. Parrot’s stunted, shuffling cover-letter that leads me to believe Terry Parrot is nothing more than a robot powered by a barely functioning brain-in-a-jar, sorry I just watched Source Code last night. You be the Judge:
Thank you for the opportunity to reply to your post,
Your looking for a Web Developer/Designer? I can help! Web development/design is not new, but sometimes we forget just how powerful and versatility the tools to develop/design websites has become. It makes you wonder if developer/designers will every have any limits. This is why our team is made up of the strongest web development/design experts you can find. And I do not use the word experts lightly! Our developers our continually expanding their knowledge and skills in all areas of Web Development/Design. It is true we work as a team, but you would be assigned one developer to head your project, probably Peregrin or Pablo, two of our best. Check out the examples of work we have done and see if you think we might be a good fit.
So, by all means, if you’re interested in hiring AIs on the verge of becoming self-aware, but with no danger of ever becoming competent have a blast with the “people” over at Dolphin Micro Inc.
That concludes our round-up of this week’s edition of the Illiteracy awards. We’re accepting votes by text and all of our judges are easily bribed so pick your favorite candidate and happy balloting!
This is Jake Cohen, saying good night and good luck America.
Tuesday, April 1st, 2008
Firefall Pro, LLC, a small, super-relaxed consulting firm in Chelsea seeks a Project Coordinator who speaks effectively, writes well, and enjoys being immersed in technology.
For the most part, you’ll be utilizing our project management system to keep track of what’s in progress, as well as creating and scheduling new projects. There will be many opportunities to contribute to projects, once you have the skills and confidence to contribute to them.
Excellent communication, organizational, and planning skills are a must. You should be able to easily juggle between meeting clients, writing e-mails, and making telephone calls. Simultaneously.
One of the most important aspects of managing a project is the ability to keep a project moving towards its completion. Occasionally, a project will lose its momentum due to insufficient information with the tasks at hand, and/or the need to follow up with the client to get the project moving again. When you see this happening, you’ll need to jump in, figure out what’s going on, and determine ways to resolve these project bottlenecks.
If you’re up for the challenge and believe that this could fit your career goals, send us your cover letter and resume to [email protected] for immediate consideration.
– Drawer of Vice
– Relaxed Dress Policy
– Accrued Vacation Days
This is a 1099 contract position.
NO relocation assistance is offered.
MUST be authorized to work in the US.
NO Visa sponsorship available.
P.S. – I will personally gut whoever contacts us with staffing or outsourcing solutions.
Wednesday, March 26th, 2008
This is a little informal, but Firefall Pro, LLC is currently seeking a part-time to full time PHP (LAMP) developer. We will consider all skill levels. Compensation will vary depending on skill and available time. Training is available.
The person must live in the NYC area and actually show up in the office. We are not outsourcing, or considering a staffing agency. I will personally gut whoever contacts us with either of the aforementioned solutions. I will also make it my sworn duty to publish their inability to read everywhere I can.
I’ll post a better job description when I get around to making Dan write it. Resumes should be sent to [email protected].
Wednesday, September 27th, 2006
From: [email protected]
Subject: Do you Require Programmer? We are Here
Date: September 27, 2006 6:21:45 AM EDT
I am Dr.Amish Vyas, having Team of progarmmers leading by Technology Experts. we are located in India and availble virtually any where. Please feel free to contact me , if you have any requirement. Dr.Amish Vyas, Email:[email protected]
Wednesday, September 13th, 2006
With my first inaugural post, I’m happy to announce that we’re hiring once again! This time, we’re looking for a Web Application Developer. Read the description below and if you think you’d make a great fit, than inquire within.
Firefall Pro, a web application development company, seeks a Web Application Developer to create standards-based, web-based applications.
The potential employee will work alongside other developers and clients to design and implement database-driven application solutions.
• Practical development experience in a LAMP environment
• Practical experience in XHTML and CSS
• Excellent problem solving skills
• Excellent communication skills, both written and verbal
• Must be a highly motivated self-starter, with an attention to detail
• Must be able to re-prioritize tasks and objectives on-the-fly
• Must be able to translate business requirements to technical specifications
• Must be able to work under pressure in a small and highly focused team
• Savvy with both Windows and Mac platforms
• Current or past involvement in open source projects desirable
• Experience with Object-Oriented Programming (C++, Java, etc.) desirable
• Experience with UNIX/Linux-based Operating Systems desirable
• Must reside within the New York City metropolitan area
Firefall Pro is a growing company, and hell it’s usually fun to work here. We also have a lot of learning opportunities and there is a huge potential for job growth. We also have the “drawer of vice,” a bunch of R/C helicopters, and enough caffeine to kill a stable of horses.
If interested, check out our blog and send your cover letter and resume to [email protected]_DOMAIN.com.
• This is a non-telecommuting position
• Must be legally authorized to work in the United States
Saturday, June 17th, 2006
Ok, if you’re going to send me a resume, or e-mail containing one, for your own well being at least spell check it. I posted the job opening on Cragislist, and the resumes have started coming in. With it has been a mixture of valid candidates, and those who obviously aren’t trying. For example, graduating from a state or community college is not the perfect reason for being qualified for the position. That’s what experience is for. Also sending the entire message in the same font and size is preferred. Who want’s to get an obvious copy and paste job.
Another key thing is not immediately stating that you’re qualified to work in the U.S. Normally I’d assume any applicant was qualified to work here, but saying you are makes me think you’re trying to compensate for not actually being able to. Applying for a job that centers around details is not the ideal place to reveal how inconsistent you can be. That’s what retail positions are for.
In short, congratulations to those applicants who know what spell check is, and how to use it. Taking a few extra moments not to do something stupid is worth it. Those people actually get interviews, and to the rest of you, learn how to say, “what kind of drink would you like with that.”
Thursday, October 27th, 2005
Yes, third (sequential) post today. I just wanted to let everyone know that we are hiring. Now don’t all jump at once for the chance to work here. I know how everyone would so much rather be here then some other place, but we do some cool stuff, and honestly I’m not a bad person to work for. I don’t think the others here would abuse you much at all, well aside from the clients.
Seriously though, we have an opening for a support / Q&A person. If you are interested please contact us. We have a very unique work environment, and are in the heart of NYC. How could you go wrong?